There is a fire in the core
Of my being
It burns and licks at my insides
And pleads
Whispering that it needs more
But without knowing what
Fuels it
I cannot feed the flame
I can only wander aimlessly
As it caresses me
Claiming that it is still too cold
That it is left unused
Perhaps it craves to see
To explore and live
Perhaps the needed stoke is found
In an unseen land
An unseen future
Perhaps I simply need to
Take a map and point
Letting the tides guide me
To where the hearth is waiting
The music starts as a whisper,
Unsure of itself,
Simple and modest.
Like a leaf in the breeze,
It is slow and graceful,
Whimsical.
But soon, it is a symphony.
Counter melodies and harmonies sing,
Boisterous and gentle parts blend,
With decorative trills,
Acting as frosting on a cake.
A dissonant section sneaks in.
The key turns minor,
The low voices boom,
And ear bleeding chords echo
Forever
As eyes shut and
Rivers fall down cheeks
Before there is nothing but
Silence.
A single voice calls out,
Imploring the symphony to return.
The response is a growl.
They continue that way,
Back and forth,
Little tidbits from others popping in,
Before a
Eyes shoot open
Terrified,
Heart pounds,
Breathing is labored,
And the darkness you've never feared
Suddenly surrounds you,
Covers you,
Chokes you,
And shows you things
That aren't really there.
You are too scared to get up,
Let alone leave the room,
Even though you know
That if you did,
You'd find light.
But a fear of falling back asleep
Also consumes you.
And so you lay there,
Seeing the nightmare
And hearing it
Like a sick movie,
With your eyes wide,
Your breathing irregular
As you long for a way out.
How can you escape a nightmare when it seeps into your dreams?
She presses the heels
Of her hands
Into her eyes
Trying to rid
Of the memory:
The ragged breathing
The thin skin
The muscle spasms
The senseless mumblings.
Tries to block it out
So she can bury the pain
And sandess
And lonliness
Of her heart.
But the memory
Is too strongly carved
In her soul
And it will not let go.
The teacher may be talking
And she may try to listen
But applying pressure to her eyes,
Blocking out all visuals
And trying to focus
Does nothing.
And so her day turns sour
And she fights to hold on
Until she is alone
And can finally
For the first time
*Let go.*
The phone goes off,
Slicing through the dead silence,
Waking me up.
I groan
It's only 7 am.
Dad comes in and says
We have to go to the rehab center.
Again.
That's the only place I've been
For a week.
School?
Hardly.
I stumble to get ready.
We arrive,
My mom already crying,
And I make my way down the hall
In a trance.
Grandpa's on his last string
A very thin one
I might add.
Me
My brother
My cousin
Decide to go get food.
Five minutes into it,
Another call.
They turned off the oxygen.
We hurry back
With random food
And find that he's already gone.
Time of Death
9:30
Thanksgiving, 2012.
My tears are endless.
The misery
The pain
The hatred
The confusion
The sorrow
The anxiety
The horror
They're pulling me under.
The silent screams
The faceless enemies
The sleepless nights
The endless torture
The unforgiving thoughts
The hopeless searching
The merciless images
They're only making it harder.
They crash over me,
Crueler than any tidal wave,
Wiping all my
Hope,
Help,
Sense,
Direction,
Love,
Warmth,
Comfort
And soon nothing will be left.
The beauty of this world
Has vanished,
Already buried beneath
All the darkness
That is seeping into
My life.
The darkness is blinding,
The terror is suffocating,
And I can't last